Honesty Cannot Pretend.

Today’s Thought: People of integrity do not hide their reactions or opinions. They do not manipulate others through deception and they do not pretend.

This week I pledge my integrity; that I will not pretend and that I will be courageously honest!

So I will start by admitting I am scared of failing, but I am not scared of learning the lessons from failure.

My anxiety is raging, but honesty calms its vexation.

Self-doubt is insidiously sliding into every cranny of my being, but honesty can clear those pathways for self-assuredness to take up residence.

This week’s reminders: I can do difficult things. Just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean I can’t do it and having to work hard at something isn’t a failure; it’s a triumph! I can and I will!

Honesty Partnering Integrity

Today’s Thought: Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy; and choosing to practice our values rather than simply professing them.

Soon I will have to do just this. I have been anxious for days, unsure as to why and grappling with the sensation that I am about to make a huge mistake. This week I hit upon the answer – I am letting fear influence my decisions once again; I am allowing myself to be manipulated because of my fear of someone’s reaction; because I have not been entirely transparent in my actions, because I wanted to keep someone who is seemingly powerful close. In short – I am trying to control my world again.

As soon as I consider a course of action that doesn’t involve pandering to the desires and wishes of this other person, I feel much calmer. I still fear their reaction, but I fear the consequences of making a decision based on the wrong reasons more; I think it will have far bigger consequences.

If I am to build a honest life; an honest organisation in which I work and an honest team who support one another, then I must watch my thoughts and actions closely. I must unwrap my courage and feed it and make a decision based on the needs of the many rather than the ambitions of one.

I can choose my words; I can choose my actions. I have power over whether I practice my values and we all know that practice eventually makes perfect!

Dishonour Haunts You.

Today’s Thought: If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself.

Right now I think all my anxiety stems from past actions and words. Sometimes I have said things to others that I had no right to say and I worry that those words will return to haunt me when it matters the most.

Instead of trusting in my abilities, I sought comfort in others; reassurance that I was doing OK, that I was right and others were wrong. I shared too much; I wanted approval too often and now I must wait and see whether my past indiscretions will cause me humiliation.

It’s frustrating that I cannot turn back the clock; that I can’t deliver a message to my past self to protect my future self. If only I knew then what I know now: that I am holding on to the emotions of my ancestors; that I carry the guilt and fear of those long gone and that I needn’t have had such doubt in myself.

I know I must forgive myself, for I am trying to be better now, but it feels terrifying to have to accept that no matter the good I now try to do, it could be scuppered by old bad habits. I must hold today’s thought in my mind and make it stick; I must continue to nurture my commitment to honesty and integrity in my words and actions – it will be the only way to deserve a reputation I so desire; approval that would be well deserved and peace that I am desperate to experience.