Today’s Thought: With integrity you have nothing to fear, since you have nothing to hide. With integrity, you will do the right thing, so you will have no guilt.
This thought makes so much sense – it really does. However, a decades long struggle between honesty, integrity and fear still rages on. The immense effort it can take to pour water on the fire of fear in order to do the right thing can sometimes be exhausting. Sometimes the power of the fear is so strong that you don’t even realise it has won until the struggle is over and you are sat among the debris, realising that there is still a mess to tidy up because you made the wrong decision for the wrong reasons.
Over this past week, I have become more and more aware of the fear creeping back into my decision making. I hate it! I fear the fear! I feel sick at the sensation of the fear triumphing over rational thought; I live in terror of the fear masquerading as rational thought – in short, fear sucks!
I suppose I should be comforted, however, at the fact I know the fear is there. It’s shadowy tentacles lurk within me, still and silent, waiting for the perfect moment to either leap out and pounce on me or to insidiously wrap its poisonous limbs around my mind, injecting me with anxiety. I suppose I should be proud of my awareness of the fear; confident that I can recognise when it is at work and controlling my actions and thoughts. The problem is that I sometimes recognise it too late; after the decision is made and the deed is done!
I am getting better, though. I can recognise the unsettling sensation sooner; I am questioning my decisions faster and when I realise I have let fear win again, I am forgiving myself more quickly.
From a shaky start to the week where I could feel the fear driving my every move; feeding a migraine that didn’t dissipate until I had given freedom to the honesty, I ended the week having given voice to the honesty and having started to pack the fear away in its lair once again.
On my journey to a calm and honest life, I have to accept there will be times when I regress. Fear is a brawny beast so it makes sense that it is a fractious and obstreperous opponent. I must remain undaunted in my hunt for peace through honesty. Each day is a new opportunity to win the fight and I must accept that the fight will begin afresh each day. I must remind myself that honesty will save me, even if I fear it!