Fighting To Be True

Today’s Thought: Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.

Right now I am stuck in a cycle where I am consumed with self-doubt and lack of confidence. I feel that some of this is being created by the difficult personality of a co-worker. A few weeks ago I felt as though I was losing my true self to this co-worker and bending to their every will in fear of their reaction should I disagree with them or not complete something I knew they wanted done. I even found myself behaving in a way that was the total opposite to my core values and beliefs.

If this sounds familiar to you, don’t give in to it!

I am not going to. I am going to ‘fight back’ and rebuild myself:

I am planning tasks that the other person is not involved in, so I can judge my impact without their involvement. I do this with the aim of rebuilding my self-belief. I am going to catch my negative thoughts and replace them with a positive one. I am even going to say the positive affirmations out loud! I am going to practice asserting myself with this person – if I feel they are overstepping the mark, I am going to tell them.

I know this won’t be easy – last week I had three days where I felt good and two where I felt crushed. That’s the nature of anxiety and depression; they’re sneaky and like to jump out and shout ‘boo!’ when you least expect it. I just know I want to find myself and be my true self instead of what this other person wants or expects. Being honestly me is my right. Being honestly you is your right. No one can be you as well as you can and don’t you forget it!

Honestly Struggling

Today’s Thought: Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

Right now I am struggling. Work is tough; we aren’t meeting our targets and my superiors are telling me it’s unacceptable. Because of this all the gremlins lurking in my mind on the look out for threat are in overdrive, telling me that I am unacceptable.

It is going to take all my strength to quieten the gremlins and goblins down. To tell them that it’s not me that’s unacceptable, it’s the situation and situations can change.

It’s going to take all my strength to convince others that we can change the situation if we really want to and that we certainly shouldn’t just accept defeat. We all need to continue to fight; we all need to believe we can win.

I need to believe I can win; that I have the skills and competency to lead my team to the finish line where a participant’s pack awaits us! We might not win gold, but we will finish the race and we will give every ounce of effort we have.

Over the past three weeks the murky mist of depression has been hovering, infiltrating the breaches in my armour. It’s a fearsome vapour, but I intend to be a vigorous opponent. When it whispers poison, I will shout back with the remedy. The remedy is knowing that I am enough, just as I am. I will not capitulate, because I am enough and no matter how grinding and gruelling the journey, I can make it. It doesn’t matter if I take a different route; it doesn’t matter if I have different equipment in my pack or a take a different mode of transport. It matters that I get there.

I am enough; you are enough. We all are enough, just as we are.

Honestly Not Up To It!

Today’s Thought: Just leave me alone. I’m not myself. I’m falling apart and I don’t want you here.

Every day I try to suck up the emotions of others; try to fix their problems; try to comfort them.

Today I honestly couldn’t manage. I just feel low; inadequate and overwhelmed. I should have been honest with myself and hidden really, but I just tried to carry on as normal.

I ended up managing a situation badly because I wasn’t honest with my ability to cope today.

I have coping strategies; I have long periods where I am absolutely fine and then without warning, days when I feel as though the blinds have been drawn and I’m being kept from the light. The pressure in my head builds and the darkness weighs down and grows like a hurricane on a weather map – swirling, spreading and deepening in blackness.

I am honestly grateful that I had a few supportive colleagues who came to my rescue. I am honestly cross with myself for being unprofessional and not doing my best in my role. I am honestly exhausted and have nothing left to give today.

BUT…

Tomorrow might be different and tomorrow is what I need to see as a clean sheet – crisp and fresh, soft and inviting. Tomorrow I might be better. There is always hope – and that’s honestly true.