Today’s Thought: Speak with honesty, think with sincerity, act with integrity.
A year ago I started this blog in order to give myself the kick in the pants I needed to live a more honest life. I was sick of digging myself into various holes by telling different people different things to keep them all happy. I was tying myself in knots and enduring crippling anxiety as a result.
So what, if anything, has changed? Has being more honest been the game changer I thought it would be?
In many ways, yes. I am now habitually more honest – I am not chasing my tail trying to remember what I said to one person compared to another any longer. I know that the words that come out of my mouth on the whole are the truth. There are just a few areas of my life where my honesty requires more clarity – some people still scare me, so I veil the truths I tell them with prettier shrouds than I ought to. For most of the year, I felt more happy with myself, my behaviour and my actions – I kept track of them through my journals and set positive intentions for every day and evaluated my success towards them each evening. It has felt good. I have felt as though I have been good.
More recently, however, I have found old habits creeping back in. It has not felt good. I have not felt as though I have been good. This shows me that I have far more work to do – it’s not as simple as just endeavouring to tell the truth. Being honest requires me to search deep within myself, going into the fear to find out why I can be honest with one person and less so with another. Who do these people remind me of? What past traumas are lurking, waiting to be resolved so that truth can triumph? What do I truly want to do with my life, so I can be honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses rather than trying to fit my square peg self into the round hole of my current job?
As I enter 2020, I know I must continue to learn about myself; learn about how to put shields of protection around myself so that I can respond without fear of the reaction of others; find my true calling so that I can live an honest life rather than a life that others think I should lead. I need to find the courage to tell those I fear the wrath of; the disapproval of and the disappointment of what it is I really think and feel. In 2020, I want honesty to fill my heart, my mind and my soul, so that I can bring love to every moment of my life and to every moment of the lives of those I care about.
This past year has been rich in self development and this blog has been part of it. I am grateful for every person who has read my ramblings and has found it in their hearts to let me know they appreciated it. I never expected anyone to read about my struggle but because you have, I feel a sense of duty to continue my self improvement work; to continue to aim for true honesty, so that I can show you all that change is truly possible and that happiness can really be found in yourself.
I wish you all a happy new year; whatever your truth is, I wish for you to find it and work with it or through it to locate your own peace.