Dishonour Haunts You.

Today’s Thought: If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself.

Right now I think all my anxiety stems from past actions and words. Sometimes I have said things to others that I had no right to say and I worry that those words will return to haunt me when it matters the most.

Instead of trusting in my abilities, I sought comfort in others; reassurance that I was doing OK, that I was right and others were wrong. I shared too much; I wanted approval too often and now I must wait and see whether my past indiscretions will cause me humiliation.

It’s frustrating that I cannot turn back the clock; that I can’t deliver a message to my past self to protect my future self. If only I knew then what I know now: that I am holding on to the emotions of my ancestors; that I carry the guilt and fear of those long gone and that I needn’t have had such doubt in myself.

I know I must forgive myself, for I am trying to be better now, but it feels terrifying to have to accept that no matter the good I now try to do, it could be scuppered by old bad habits. I must hold today’s thought in my mind and make it stick; I must continue to nurture my commitment to honesty and integrity in my words and actions – it will be the only way to deserve a reputation I so desire; approval that would be well deserved and peace that I am desperate to experience.

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