Today’s Thought: Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully.
Off I set today, full of good intentions of being honest and full of integrity. I had really enjoyed the sense of calm of the last few days; it had been easy to be honest when all I was doing was hanging around with my husband. Today was different, however – I had to go to work.
Within ten minutes, I had already started to fall into bad habits. I wasn’t being dishonest or hiding from uncomfortable truths, but I was not choosing my most kind words to describe my opinion about something. I got the familiar sick feeling straight away; the sensation that told me I wasn’t being my best self. So, did I stop? Of course not! I did it again several times across the day!
I returned home from work mulling it all over. Why had I done that? Instead of thinking about all the good work I had done, all I was doing was re-playing the conversations I wish I hadn’t had and feeling sick.
What can I do about it? Well, it’s simple really, I have to make far more effort to stop engaging in conversations where I am more likely to be drawn into the kind of unkind honesty I want to avoid and I need to pin-point why I behave this way with particular people. I can’t avoid those people, so I need to control the way I behave in response to how they make me feel.
Having analysed my behaviour, I know what I was trying to ingratiate myself with this particular person because I feel threatened by them and I want them to be on my side. I have considered some way I can fix this behaviour why also maintaining the level of honesty I am aiming for and have decided I am going to try and pluck up the courage to do the following:
I am going to find the person who initiates the kind of talk I want to avoid and tell them that I have thought about the way we spoke yesterday and that I think we should try to approach things in a more professional way. I am going to involve them in my goal rather than demand they change their ways (as well as me changing mine). The thought of doing this scares me and comforts me. I can get straight back on track; I can be honest while doing it (comforting), but it involves one of my biggest fears – confrontation! Let’s see whether I can face my fear – honestly of course.